Been doing some deep thinking this morning. ;) As I'm half way through the last week of being 34, heading like a bullet train into my (GULP!!!) mid-thirties AND as I'm quickly approaching my one year "anniversary" of starting my weight loss journey, I've been thinking about the huge changes I've made over the last year.
My life is so different, *I* am so different than I was just a year ago. The last two mornings, I've woken up just tired and sort of "blah" feeling. I've done my usual routine of getting the kids up, fed breakfast, ready for school, pack their lunches and sending them out the door, while my bed has been calling to me, "Jodi, come back!!!" And oh how I've wanted to. I think it's the weather. It's cold (again, ugh!), gray sky, rainy, foggy..... The kind of weather that just makes you wanna stay in your PJs all day and curl up under the blankets. But, every morning, I have forced myself past that feeling, pushed it to the side, gotten myself dressed and hauled my booty to the gym. A year ago, I'd have climbed right back into my bed. But, I have a different focus, a drive that I haven't had in so long. I'm doing things for myself that I know are good for me, make me feel better in the end and that are inching me closer and closer to goals I have set for myself. :)
My weight was a culmination of a lot of things going on with me, but I think I threw myself so much into doing things for other people.....mostly my husband and kids....that I neglected myself. I was too tired and exhausted to have anything left for me or really even to care about me. I really lost myself.
But, now, I'm getting glimpses of myself. My true self. The one that I'd forgotten about that was so light-hearted and silly and loved to laugh and make people laugh. The one who was outgoing and unafraid. The girl who felt like she fit in and had a place in this world. I'm not totally there yet, but I'm thrilled that I'm not actually this fuddy duddy person I'd become. :) I've started to think about what I want to do next with "Project Me" once I have reached my weight loss goals. I'm contemplating going back to school. But, I need to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. LOL A year ago, I'd never have thought of that either. :)
Oh and on another note. I haven't been to a doctor in a LONG time. Like since my 6 week post partum check up after having my youngest, who is now 6 1/2 (shameful confession). Yikes!!! Part of it was due to moving. Part of it due to not wanting to discuss my weight with the doctors. Part of it because my Mom got sick and I was afraid of hearing anything bad about myself. And part of it due to the fact my Mom, through her illness had a few things happen to her because of doctor screw ups and ultimately her death caused by medical malpractice. So, I've avoided going to the doctor for myself like the plague. ;) But, I called the practice my boys go to and set myself up an appointment for next week, so I can thoroughly take care of me! :)
When my Mom got sick, she begged me to take care of myself, to lose weight and take control of the things that I have control over. I know she's in Heaven looking down on me and so proud of me. Okay, the end. I've gone and made myself cry. ;)
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I so relate to your post and I'm so excited for you. It's like the world has opened up to you and it makes you a better wife, mom, etc. because when you take care of yourself - you really do have more to give!
ReplyDeleteGreat job making that doctors appointment! That took courage, especially given all that you've been through with your mom. I'm sorry for your loss. My mom is in heaven too, and I know what it's like on earth without your mom. :( But yes, I'm sure she's beaming as she see's you on this journey of health and happiness.
Good for you!! You are worth that! And it's okay to feel worth it. It doesn't mean we're self-centered or cocky, it means we are finally realizing our divine worth and acting on that to become the women the Lord would have us be and that we want to be.
Take care Jodi!!
~Margene