How did I get this way???

I have battled with weight nearly my whole life. I wasn't a "fat kid" so it's not really like that. But, I've definitely struggled since my later teens/early twenties. The "funny" thing is....though I consciously *know* I'm overweight, I haven't until recently seen what I've become. I've never really seen myself as "the fat girl" or "the fat friend." Which is good, I suppose. I know how weight can really make people struggle with self esteem. Some, way more than others. I have skinny friends and relatives that seem to be really hyper conscious of their weight to a negative degree and really beat themselves up over it. It's never really been like that for me. So, it's great that I don't have zero self esteem.....but it's bad because I think that also enabled the issue that I have now. So, how did this happen??? I know that I've really packed on the pounds over the past going on two years, since I lost my Mom. She died and then we had a very stressful time for more than a year afterward. While still grieving Mom really hard, Erik's Dad died 7 months later. Being his only child, that left us with A LOT on our plates.....on top of now grieving the loss of two parents. 4 months after he died, Erik got a job in TN and came here while the boys and I stayed in NM to sell our home there. We were apart for 3 months. Lots of stressed out and emotional eating occurring from all of the above, I guess.
Since moving here and settling in and being more than a year out from the losses of our parents, we are both feeling happier and more content and at peace. Not that we don't still have very emotional moments.....but it's not a constant feeling either. So, I think we are both in a good place mentally and emotionally for losing weight.
Now, that I'm out of the "fog" I'm definitely noticing the toll it has taken on me. I'm now really feeling the physical effects of it too. I'm too young to be feeling so darn old!!!
So, yesterday, I got out the scale. I've never been one for weighing myself. I love to live in blissful ignorance. lol But, the number that popped up shocked the crap out of me. :( I really had NO IDEA!!!! But, it's made me more determined than ever to FINALLY do something about my weight problem. I know I didn't become this way overnight and I guess that's how it snuck up on me too. :( I'm still too embarrassed at this point to actually publicly admit to that number. Maybe someday, when I can look back and say with a fit, hot body...."Look how far I've come!!!" I will admit to it. :)